Random Reflections

New Look, Fresh Start

I had some extra time tonight to work on my blog and decided to give it a fresh look.  We’ll see how long I like it.  It works for now.  If you don’t like it, you can email me at idontcare@all.com. 🙂

Had a great time on our CG float trip. We did a 13-mile float on the Current River on Saturday after camping out on Friday night.  About 20 of us.  It was a perfect day for floating – hot sun, no rain.  The river was great.  A little crowded and crazy in some spots but it was still relaxing.  Steve and I are professional floaters and never tipped.  Of course the fact that I threatened death by ziploc baggie to anyone who did I’m sure didn’t hurt us.  Didn’t get a lot of sleep on Friday night but managed to catch a nap today and will be heading to bed shortly so I’m ready for the week ahead.

Today was a quiet with church this morning and the afternoon and evening to take a nap, do laundry, run several errands and just get my house in order.  It was very much needed.  The down time was good for me as well to just do some processing (dear God, not that – anything but more processing.)  I know, I know…  my dad tells me to just chill.  I know I over-analyze, over-think just about everything but I don’t know how to stop. 

There are lots of things that are ironic in life.  The "Terminator" as governor; 80s fashion cool again; etc.  An irony in my life is that my very need to be perfect is actually one of my biggest imperfections.  My constant drive to not fail in any way and to make sure I am the perfect "whatever" to people that I really care about is the same drive that can drive them away.  Isn’t that ironic?  Some, or most, of my processing today was dealing with this understanding.  I have trouble just relaxing or being okay with who I am, where I’m at.  I always feel like there are things I should be working on to be better for myself and for others.  I’m always analyzing how my words, behaviors, etc. and how they are received by others.  If I feel like they fall short or that I let someone down, I’m stuck there until I can make restitution in my mind as well as in theirs.  The more I care for someone, the more perfect I want to be for them.  To me it would be like the ultimate birthday present.  "Hey – Happy Birthday! As your gift, I’m going to be exactly what you want me to be and never disappoint you!" 

I know it is a gift I can never give and that it is unhealthy to expect that I can or to even pursue such a thing. I know that these feelings come from trying to please others rather than God.  I know these things . . . . but I forget them.  I need to practice the words of my father – "just chill!".  Stop thinking so much; stop processing so much; stop trying to control so much.  Just let go, relax and enjoy the ride.  Have a little faith in God and the people that love me – not a perfect me, but the me that I am. They aren’t asking me to be perfect.  I don’t need to ask that of myself either.

In my May 27th, 2005, post I shared this quote:

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before."  – Rollo May

When I wrote about it then, I was writing from the perspective of how I was choosing to love others.  Now, I read it with different eyes – eyes of how others choose to love me.  My deepest gratitude to all who choose to do so.

Peace – Melissa

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